Independence day: America, hell yeah!



Wow, Ann Coulter has really let herself go…

The U.S. has always been somewhat of an outlier in the global grand scheme of things. And…no, NOT America (which is two continents, not a country!!), but the United States of America. Ever since gaining independence 238 years ago, we have been the one country that unilaterally and unapologetically does things our way. But, we also have no problem using other people’s cultures and traditions, and bastardizing them to uniquely make them our own. Here are the best ways to spend July 4th:

Firing up the grill

Now, many people will be using a gas grill, for its ability to bring together our desired qualities of convenience, quickness, and flavorless bland food (seriously, just throw your food into the kitchen oven, there is no difference whatsoever). But any REAL grillmaster will be using a charcoal grill. Charcoal is an American invention, accidentally invented by Henry Ford where it was a petroleum byproduct. Ever the moneymaker, Ford marketed these charcoal briquettes as a new source of cooking fuel, which led to a new (paraphrased) saying: “You can have any color of charcoal you want, as long as it’s black”.


Any REAL flag wavin, pickup drivin, God fearin American loves his gunpowder. This magical powder can be used for bullets, which can be used to load our assault rifles (according to liberals, any long gun that isn’t a bolt action .22 caliber). It can also be used to set off fireworks, which is a true American tradition!

Thanks to uneven state regulations, this also involves another American tradition of going to another nearby state to buy things that are more regulated, or banned, in our home states. As a Michigan resident, I have been down to Ohio several times to buy fireworks, since the only ones they sell in Michigan are the ash pellets that are “snakes”, sparklers, and poppers. Of course, Ohio has its own set of problems, so I make sure to get out of there as soon as possible.

Never mind the fact this one originated in China. It’s OK though, they don’t mind, since they now have most of our manufacturing jobs, real estate, and national debt. But, hey, we got THINGS THAT GO BANG, so who gives a fuck?

Time off of work

We can thank unions for this one, along with many other workplace protections and benefits. But, thanks to the neo-cons and a gullible voter base, the unions are now perceived as being un-American, so maybe we shouldn’t thank them. Maybe we’ll just steal their ideas while tacitly acknowledging them. See, THAT sounds more American!

Getting wasted

This is actually a worldwide tradition on holidays, as old as time itself. But on Merica’s b-day, you BETTER get wasted. It had better be with an American beer such as Budweiser (despite Anheuser-Busch being owned by a Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate), and an American drink such as Jack Daniel’s whiskey, or Bud Light Watermelon-a-ritas. And remember: the more you drink, the better your fireworks and grill lighting skills are, so make sure to get wasted first!

Differentiating between fireworks and gunshots

Here is a classic Metro Detroit game that can be enjoyed with the whole family! Is it a strip of M-80’s, or somebody firing an AK-47? Did somebody fire off a mortar, or was it a 12-gauge shotgun? Was that a bottle rocket, or a rocket propelled grenade? These are the questions asked when you live in the hood. Just remember: with bullets, as with fireworks, anything shot in the air eventually has to land somewhere…

Getting together with family and friends

Now this is what the holidays are truly about. If you are the one who has waterfront property and a boat, you will automatically be the most popular one! Cocaine, Johnsonville bratwursts, and ridiculously sized Roman candles will also have a positive effect on your July 4th popularity, so stock up, dammit.


Whatever you do on this Independence Day, make sure to stay safe (which means you should probably disregard my earlier advice about getting drunk before igniting things), and have a good one!



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