Dave Brandon has the ultimate way to bring Michigan football back to glory

Dave Brandon, athletic director of the University of Michigan and former CEO/chairman of Domino’s “‘hey, our pizza used to suck but now it’s not so bad’ ad campaigns” Pizza, has had some interesting ideas for the Michigan football team this season, none of which have had to do with football or were even conducive to winning a football game. These ideas included:

-Halftime fireworks shows (shot down by the University regents)

-Having a drone fly over the stadium and land on the 50-yard line to drop off the game ball (shot down by the FAA)

-Giving away 2 tickets for the Minnesota game for the price of a 20 oz. Coke (shot down by Brandon, but after he allowed it to happen under his watch).

But, my sources* now tell me that Brandon has the greatest idea yet! An idea which will help Michigan win some football games, and bring back Domino’s Pizza most beloved character. If you were born in the 1990’s or later, you probably have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. The rest of you…yeah, you guessed it: putting this guy on the team…

"Put me in coach, I can play! Those linemen will avoid the Noid just like consumers avoided my pizza!"

“Put me in coach, I can play! Those linemen will avoid the Noid just like consumers avoided my pizza!”

This may seem like the most ridiculous idea ever (and it is pretty ridiculous!), but bear with me: The Noid is one tough motherfucker. If you ever watched his cheesy 1980’s commercials game film, you can tell how quick and elusive he is. Why, he could be the next Tim Biakabutuka, with an equally catchy name! Imagine this scenario: The Wolverines line up in an I-formation, Devin Gardner hands it off to The Noid, and he jumps, squirms, and jukes his way to the end zone. My sources tell me that the University Of Michigan is already working on transferring The Noid from nearby Washtenaw Community College, where The Noid was majoring in graphic design and advertising.

Brady Hoke, when asked about this rumor, said a bunch of talking points that were so unmemorable and irrelevant as to not even be worthy of being included in this article.

When reached for comment, Lloyd Carr simply said, “Tremendous!”

*my sources: some homeless guy standing on the Diag

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