FACEBOOK QUOTE PICTURES: YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG

Back in the glory days of MySpace (still the top social media site in history IMO), there were ways you could customize your page. One option (used mostly by women and effeminate men) was to use 1″ x 1″ tiles of quotes and sayings. Some people would have literally dozens of these on their page, which would be the reason it took one minute to load and no one else ever looked at it!

Now, MySpace is nothing but a failed Justin Timberlake investment, and Facebook is the “cool” place to hang out (at least, let’s just let Mark Zuckerberg still THINK that…). These pictures of quotes and sayings are now the #1 way to express one’s feelings on social media, and your news feed will literally be littered with this passive-aggressive drivel. Here is a breakdown of them:

1. Misspelled quotes

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OK, so let’s say that the quote you post is really how you feel. Like, REALLY HOW YOU FEEL, RIGHT NOW! And WE BETTER take you seriously!

…fair enough.

But most people aren’t gonna take a misspelled quote seriously. I’m sorry, it just won’t happen. And, since that quote is an extension of your feelings, then by default we aren’t going to take your feelings seriously, either. Sorry. I would have loved you back, but your egregious spelling errors were SUCH a turnoff!

2. Love quotes

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NEW RULE: (apologies to Bill Maher) We all know that when one of you women post something about love, it is directed to ONE PERSON on your friend list. Instead of posting your sappy drivel to the rest of us who are much more adjusted and secure in matters of love, post your quote TO THE PERSON WHO IT IS ABOUT!

Trust me, guys are clueless enough when it comes to love. If you’re going to be passive-aggressive about it, at least make it a little easier for him to understand!

3. Religion quotes

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News flash: Not everybody on your friend list (unless you are only friends with immediate family members) is going to have the same religious beliefs as you. They might not even believe in religion at all! So then, why the hell are you posting things that could potentially make the rest of us feel awkward? This goes for the one person in every group of friends that has to post stuff about Satan, too. Anton LaVey and Aleister Crowley were both frauds, we all know it.

4. Quotes about political and social justice matters

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Not everybody on your friend list thinks the evil black person in the White House is still conspiring to take away all our guns. And not everybody on your list thinks the white devil is the reason that minorities are failing to succeed. Quit posting stupid political signs, most of them make no sense and are steeped more in emotion and personal prejudice than actual facts.

5. Motivational quotes

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I still believe that whoever posts these is ultimately trying to convince themselves what they are posting. No one who is actually living a busy and fulfilling life is going to post shit like this. Come on, quit making the rest of us feel bad because YOU can’t get your ass out of bed early enough! And what the hell is this “Don’t stop when you are tired, stop when you are DONE” shit? Sounds like something a Khmer Rouge prison guard or a dominatrix would have said.

6. Empowerment quotes

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I don’t give a shit what a “real” woman or a “real” man would do. I am convinced, however, that real motherfuckers don’t post stupid ass shit like what you see above.

How do I know so much about this? Well, I run a blog, which is much like posting a Facebook quote, but slightly more time consuming and exactly as rewarding. HEY, LOOK AT ME, I JUST WROTE ANOTHER POINTLESS ARTICLE AND UPLOADED IT TO WORDPRESS!!!

Enjoy!

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