THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

In preparation for the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ, we have many long-held traditions. Whether they include putting up tacky and garish lights outside of our homes (that is, if we ever even take them down!), meandering through crowded shopping malls to buy presents for people who will end up re-gifting them, or leaving out cookies and milk for Dad to drunkenly gobble down at 2 AM Santa Claus, Christmas is one of the most celebrated holidays across the world. But I wondered: how does Jesus Christ’s father plan to spend the 2,014th anniversary of his son’s birth? It took a lot of online detective work, but I managed to track down God himself, and he was kind enough to do a short e-mail interview (no, I don’t know how a Holy Spirit was able to type on a keyboard, and as an objective journalist, no I don’t care).

First off, thank you for doing this interview! I imagine this must be a busy time of year for you.

Hey, no problem, man! I actually got all of my Christmas shopping done early, which was incredibly easy considering I only had to buy presents for myself. Since my son isn’t around anymore to celebrate his holiday, I found this SWEET thing on Amazon, which is the next best thing to having little Jesus around:

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Do you have any big plans for the upcoming holidays?

Well…other than looking down with incredible disdain upon my clueless followers who have misinterpreted the true meaning of Christmas…no, not really.

Wait: Bing Crosby is supposed to be throwing a boss Christmas party this year! Just as his voice resonates all across Earth during this time of year, it does here in Heaven, also. He sounds considerably drunker up here in Heaven, however.

If you could get across a message to the millions of people who celebrate Christmas, what would it be?

First off, Christmas isn’t about getting presents, nor is it about buying presents. It is about tithing money to the church, so that my houses of worship may hold true celebrations of Christmas. Nothing sums up the Christmas spirit such as solemnly singing hymns off key while anxiously wondering how in the hell your credit cards will get paid off after buying all those presents.

Do you have any particular gift suggestions? Frankincense and myrrh don’t count, although gold would certainly be appreciated among women, the Mafia, and Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin is the spawn of Satan, I happen to know on good authority. Besides him…well, how about the aforementioned Inflatable Jesus? We all need Jesus in our lives, even if it is filled with air and constructed of toxic Chinese vinyl.

Thank you for your time. I hope you and yours have a delightful Christmas this year!

Same to you, and never forget the reason for the season! My son, motherfuckers!

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