It’s 2015…fan fucking tastic. Over the next few days, Planet Fitness will have a record breaking increase in subscriptions (with a correlating dropoff in February), diets will be made in vain, and self-improvement books will be prominently placed on coffee tables, only to end up as ashtray holders and beer coasters. Now, here are my predictions for this promising year:
-President Barack Obama will be investigated by the Senate for the eventual downfall and total collapse of the United States, despite the minor setback of presidential term limits.
-Kim Jong Un will have an obesity related heart attack and pass away, and his father Kim Jong Il will be taken out of his mausoleum to a taxidermist so that he can rule North Korea eternally. Wait…Kim Il Sung is already the eternal president...never mind, those guys are crafty, I’m sure they’ll figure out something. Imagine that: they could have a REAL puppet government, just like they accuse South Korea of having!
-Taylor Swift will unexpectedly partner up with Spotify, thus continuing her unparalleled dominance in popular music and ascension into total media domination
-Rolling Stone will write more left-leaning pseudo feminist clickbait garbage, will get exposed yet again for it
-Rick Snyder, governor of Michigan, will attempt to outsource the Michigan government to China just like he did with his former business Gateway. China will decline as they already own a considerable portion of Detroit.
-Police murders of citizens will continue unabated, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will continue to use these events for their own selfish exposure
-Rappers will continue to rap like Cam’ron, over Pharrell-inspired beats, while dressing like Macklemore and caricatures of Italian mafia figures
-Apple will come out with the Apple iWatch, thus starting yet another pointless tech trend
-Some random metal band will find a guitar downtuning SO LOW that the ground instantly caves in whenever it is played
-Democrats will continue to become Republicans in disguise, Republicans will continue to become fascist hypocrites, nothing of importance gets achieved all year in federal government.
-The War On Drugs will unsuccessfully continue, will attempt to break the cumulative $1 trillion spending point since its inception in the 1980’s.
-New hipster culinary trends will include sparkling coffee, food sourced from a personal garden inside one’s own sparsely furnished urban loft, a vegetarian McRib tofu alternative, and whatever their overlords at Whole Foods recommend.
-Some religious cult will prophesize world destruction one day in 2015, will deliver an “oops, my bad, wrong date” media statement the next day.
-I will continue to write irrelevant and pointless articles online for my sole benefit and entertainment.
Happy New Year, y’all!