Holy ****, it’s 2015!!! Predictions for the New Year

Wow, look at this newfangled LED light technology! This is gonna be the BEST YEAR YET!!!

Wow, look at this newfangled LED light technology! This is gonna be the BEST YEAR YET!!!

It’s 2015…fan fucking tastic. Over the next few days, Planet Fitness will have a record breaking increase in subscriptions (with a correlating dropoff in February), diets will be made in vain, and self-improvement books will be prominently placed on coffee tables, only to end up as ashtray holders and beer coasters. Now, here are my predictions for this promising year:

-President Barack Obama will be investigated by the Senate for the eventual downfall and total collapse of the United States, despite the minor setback of presidential term limits.

-Kim Jong Un will have an obesity related heart attack and pass away, and his father Kim Jong Il will be taken out of his mausoleum to a taxidermist so that he can rule North Korea eternally. Wait…Kim Il Sung is already the eternal president...never mind, those guys are crafty, I’m sure they’ll figure out something. Imagine that: they could have a REAL puppet government, just like they accuse South Korea of having!

-Taylor Swift will unexpectedly partner up with Spotify, thus continuing her unparalleled dominance in popular music and ascension into total media domination

-Rolling Stone will write more left-leaning pseudo feminist clickbait garbage, will get exposed yet again for it

-Rick Snyder, governor of Michigan, will attempt to outsource the Michigan government to China just like he did with his former business Gateway. China will decline as they already own a considerable portion of Detroit.

-Police murders of citizens will continue unabated, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will continue to use these events for their own selfish exposure

-Rappers will continue to rap like Cam’ron, over Pharrell-inspired beats, while dressing like Macklemore and caricatures of Italian mafia figures

-Apple will come out with the Apple iWatch, thus starting yet another pointless tech trend

-Some random metal band will find a guitar downtuning SO LOW that the ground instantly caves in whenever it is played

-Democrats will continue to become Republicans in disguise, Republicans will continue to become fascist hypocrites, nothing of importance gets achieved all year in federal government.

-The War On Drugs will unsuccessfully continue, will attempt to break the cumulative $1 trillion spending point since its inception in the 1980’s.

-New hipster culinary trends will include sparkling coffee, food sourced from a personal garden inside one’s own sparsely furnished urban loft, a vegetarian McRib tofu alternative, and whatever their overlords at Whole Foods recommend.

-Some religious cult will prophesize world destruction one day in 2015, will deliver an “oops, my bad, wrong date” media statement the next day.

-I will continue to write irrelevant and pointless articles online for my sole benefit and entertainment.

Happy New Year, y’all!

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