Happy Birthday, Michigan!

I tried to fit 178 candles on here, but MIOSHA wouldn't let me. Those guys are such buzzkills...

I tried to fit 178 candles on here, but MIOSHA wouldn’t let me. Those guys are such buzzkills…

The State of Michigan’s 178th birthday is today! In honor of this once-in-a-lifetime event (it’s only once that you get to celebrate a 178th birthday!), I took the esteemed honor of asking representatives of Michigan what they wanted for its birthday:

Rick Snyder, governor and self-appointed “tough nerd”: “I want what’s best for our citizens of this beautiful state. Is there any way that you can outsource my present?”

Va Jayjay, Secretary of State spokesperson: “We need more money for drivers license appeal hearing officers, since the two we have right now are dumber than a box of Petoskey stones. Also, can we PLEASE get more queue ropes, printed flyers that are redundant and are only used by foreigners to practice their English before their first drivers test, and a Take-A-Number roll that has three digits instead of just two? It gets embarassing whenever we go past number 99 and we haven’t even called number 1 first. K? Thanx :)”

A wolf in the U.P., who wished to remain anonymous: “Please stop hunting me and my friends! Despite what you hear, there is no such thing as wolf overpopulation. Those bastard deers though, go ahead and kill them, I don’t give a damn.”

Ben Dover, Michigan Lottery spokesperson: “Can we please get rid of the facade of Lottery monies going to education funds? We need money for new scratch-off tickets that are designed to appeal to the lower class citizen who sees something shiny that could possibly make him or her rich.”

Mike Hunt, Michigan Department of Education spokesperson: “Can we please get rid of the facade of Lottery monies going to education funds? We don’t even have enough money to supply our teachers with pencils and notebooks.”

Stu Pidditiot, Pure Michigan advertising representative: “We need more money to create advertising that appeals to absolutely no one except for the people that create it. Nothing says Pure Michigan like a bunch of stupid hipsters who couldn’t find the Mackinac Bridge from a hole in their ass.”

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