L. Ron might be setting up shop in the D

Now remember: this is Detroit, so I want even MORE video cameras in this building than usual! And remember to lock up the E-Meters each night, goddammit!

“Now remember: this is Detroit, so I want even MORE video cameras in this building than usual! And remember to lock up the E-Meters each night, goddammit!”

Scientology, the only religion thus far that requires members to sign a 1 billion year contract, purchased the former Standard Savings building in downtown Detroit back in 2007. Now, there are rumors that they intend to turn the building into a Detroit headquarters, and they have proposed renovations to the building. Man, wait until they run into all the crazy “wogs” on the east side!

Seriously though, Scientologists are wacky. Even more wacky than most other organized religions (and I use the term “religion” VERY loosely). I have extensively researched them, and I know as well as most people that Scientology is predicated on nothing but bullshit. If you join, they will eventually bankrupt you and attempt to disown you from your own family. And if you actually decide to quit, they will continually harass you for the rest of your life. Unless you are a celebrity, in which case they will just happily accept your money, since they love celebrities even more than TMZ.

Back in my college days, I wrote a paper on Scientology, and being the awesome student that I was, I decided to get some first hand research. The closest Scientology building was in Farmington Hills, so I got three of my friends to go up there with me.

Picture that: 4 tatted-up hoodlums randomly walking up into the Church of L. Ron Hubbard. The guy who answered the door didn’t seem to be fazed, though. In fact, he actually gave us a short tour and showed us a half-hour video on the history of Scientology. It’s safe to say that WE were creeped out a lot more than they were of us! Then again, if you can put up with crazy shit like the RPF, I guess you can handle anything.

I ended up getting an A+ on the paper (this was when South Park showed their infamous Scientology episode, so Scientology was all over the news at that point), and I continued to follow the exploits of Scientology ever since then. One thing I do know: the last thing Detroit needs is a bunch of Scientologists running around, so let’s hope that their plan to open a headquarters downtown gets rejected. Besides, in a city that has approximately 90% black residents, do they really want a “religion” whose founder was a well-known racist? My guess would be no.


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