President Obama gets his own Twitter handle, the internet subsequently implodes

President Barack Obama finally has his own Twitter account. Not the usual kind that most politicians have where the admin is handled by some intern with minimal social media experience, but one that is actually handled by the most important figurehead in the world (sorry, Pope). Of course, with social media comes tidal waves of ignorance and idiocy. I have gathered some of the the tweets sent to him:

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Oh, I’m sure it did, Rae, I’m sure it did. I mean, POTUS is such a common acronym. It could have meant President Of The Universal Studios, it could have meant Pizza Or Tacos, Usually Supreme…hell, I don’t exactly know what was going through that curiously elongated head of yours. I’m just glad you FINALLY figured it out, there IS hope for the younger generation after all! Now get off my lawn with that dangnabbed smartphone thingie.

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Another case of celebrities who think their political opinions are somehow more valid than anyone else’s. No Clint, I don’t agree with you. Just off the top of my head, I would say George W. Bush’s dubious second presidential win was a bigger fraud, just because it was actually, you know, investigated for voter fraud. There were no such accusations when Obama was elected.

Plus: Watergate, the Vietnam War, the second Gulf War, MK-ULTRA, the Patriot Act, illegal DEA seizures, illegal FBI wiretaps and harassment….etc, etc.

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Ummm…what the hell are you talkin bout, Rev? Is this supposed to be like the show Jackass, where Obama would run around doing practical jokes on people?


And “letting” someone become Vice President? That doesn’t sound like a relevant or exciting storyline, I’m going to have to pass on that angle. I’ll try to greenlight at least one episode though, it has potential.

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Oh sure Ejike (and thanks for the phonetic spelling of your name, I’m sure it comes in handy for the one or two people that actually know you and have to pronounce it), lets act like biker gangs are the next coming of the Gangster Disciples. Yeah, I wouldn’t fuck with the Bandidos, the Hells Angels, or the Mongols, but let’s be real: 99% of bikers are dorky weekend warrior types. That’s why outlaw bikers call themselves the 1%.

Somewhat like when “enlightened” black people call themselves the Five Percenters and think they are better than everyone else in the world.

Wait…it’s not like that at all. See how bad percents are? #StopPercentViolence #BanAllPercents #StopUsingHashtagsSoMuch

Now, I’m sure MOST people are aware that President Obama doesn’t actually READ most of these tweets, and that he also has other people running this account for him. And, of course, there is the fact that the Secret Service will trace any suspicious tweet faster than a policeman needlessly discharging their firearm. So, let’s try to keep it classy, Internet. Save all of the truly racist and hateful garbage for where it belongs: Facebook comments. And Reddit…yes, some people actually still use Reddit.


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