Cecil the lion was brutally murdered this past week by an American dentist in Zimbabwe. No, the lion didn’t die from a heart attack from reading his dental bill; he died from an apparent staged hunt. These staged hunts consist of rich people with high powered rifles who kill big game, and are the types of people who would cower in fear if that rifle jammed up and it suddenly became a fair fight. His friend Jericho was also reported to have been killed, but it turns out that it was a hoax. Since Jericho is actually alive, I decided to fly down to Zimbabwe and get an interview with him:
Good morning Jericho, I offer my condolences to your friend Cecil.
ROOOOAAARRRR…. (I look for my lion interpreter)
Thank you. I do appreciate how many people worldwide have been concerned about Cecil. But, the truth is, Cecil and I have been living hard lives here in Zimbabwe. He had been suffering for years, and he is in a better place now. I can’t call it heaven because of President Mugabe’s religious persecution against Christians, but I assure you it is something LIKE heaven.
Wait, so all of these people outraged over his killing have misdirected hostilities?
That is a good way to put it. Mugabe has been in power for decades now, and ever since his racist policies of stealing farmland and animal conservation parks from people simply because they were white, our lion prides have had less and less places to safely live. Lions like Cecil have been killed constantly in Zimbabwe for many years now, and it is ironic that it takes an American doing it to finally shed light on it.
Is Zimbabwe really as corrupt as you say?
Oh, it’s worse. Zimbabwe is one of the places with the most censorship and corruption in the world. Us lions actually have it easy compared to the millions of human beings who have suffered, and thousands who have been tortured and killed due to Mugabe’s regime.
What do you think about these canned hunts?
Well, us lions are apex predators, and no one can fuck with us, not even human beings. Unless they have a gun, of course. Why would someone want to shoot us? So you can brag about it to your friends and coworkers, much like when American policeman needlessly shoot unarmed human beings? We just want to live and let live.
I understand. Is there anything you wish to say to the American media?
I would ask that the outrage directed at this man for killing my friend should also be directed at Robert Mugabe for his decades of inflicted suffering upon us lions. He stole land from landowners and gave it to people who don’t care about us lions. And his corrupt regime has allowed people to poach our population for many years now. Also ask yourselves if stealing lions from their natural habitats and imprisoning them in zoos just so people can point and stare at us is not another form of animal cruelty. Please become informed about my country, and animal conservation groups that will help us live in peace. Thanks…I mean, ROOOAAARRR!