The official GOP list of individual debate demands


Ever since the Republicans were offended by CNBC moderator questions during the last debate, they have been whining about it. Apparently, they say that they can deal forcefully with foreign leaders, but are intimidated by any sort of hostile questioning from marginally relevant political moderators.

They have drafted a list of demands, which is kind of like when aging rock stars spend more time writing out riders for their tours than they do writing song lyrics. Well, I managed to get a hold of the list:

Carly Fiorina: “No more questions about Hewlett Packard, PERIOD!” “Also, tell Donald Trump to quit commenting on my periods, it’s bad enough that I look like a female version of him!”

Donald Trump: “I’m rich, I have no material demands, but tell that bitch Carly to keep her trap shut unless she’s being spoken to! Which isn’t often, I know. Also, my “candidate who says crazy things” charade is starting to weaken, so I shall require more off-the-wall and irrelevant questioning during my next debate. Suggested keywords: Mexicans, wall, guns, constitution, asshole

Chris Christie: “Ask me SOMETHING, FOR CHRIST SAKE! I’m not standing up at these podiums for my health! In fact, my doctor says it’s unhealthy to stand in one position for extended periods of time, so I demand a treadmill to be placed directly behind my podium. The New Jersey economy has been “walking in place” for my tenure, so I might as well make an example of it! Also, since we’ll be in Milwaukee, I want a few beer brats, extra yellow mustard.”

Ben Carson: “Ask me more questions about religious freedoms and abortions. It’s not neuroscience (and I should know!), the American people are easily manipulated when it comes to emotional issues such as God and unborn fetuses. Also, get me one of those Coogi sweaters like Bill Cosby used to wear. I’m still the “cool black guy”, right? Well, that’s how cool black guys dress!

Jeb Bush: Unintelligible scrawling on a paper with his brother’s old Presidential letterhead on it

Marco Rubio: “No more questions about immigration, I’m tired of looking like an opportunist hypocrite asshole!”

Rand Paul: “I better start getting more questions, or I will start a filibuster during the debate! Either way, you can’t shut me up, dammit!”

Ted Cruz: “No more questions aboot immigration, eh? I’m tired of looking like an opportunist hypocrite asshole, eh?”

Mike Huckabee: “Wow, I can get ANYTHING I want? Bitchin’! Can I get two Big Macs, a strawberry shake, and one of those apple pie thingies?”

John Kasich: “Can we talk about how much I love guns? I know the NRA gave me an “F” grade back in the 1990’s, but I’ve been studying REAL hard for the past couple of decades, and I sure do love my guns! Over my cold, dead hands!”


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