Rick Snyder, the relentlessly positive nerd governor of Michigan, was one of 12 governors that stated they would ban all Syrians from immigrating to their state. Of course, this purely reactionary and dubiously legal idea isn’t at all politically motivated, although the Cabela’s conservatives who live here sure seem to like the idea.
But luckily for citizens of Saudi Arabia, they are still welcome here in Michigan, despite being the Middle Eastern country that produced almost all of the terrorists in the 9/11 attacks, and despite having one of the most horrendous civil rights records in the Middle East.
Snyder released this statement:
“Good morning Michiganders! As you know, I have decided to ban anybody from Syria from coming to Michigan. As we all know, one of the attackers in the Paris massacre had a fake Syrian passport, so banning all of the people from Syria is obviously the most common sense solution.
After speaking to King Salman of Saudi Arabia, however, I have decided to continue allowing Saudi Arabians to live in our mitten shaped dystopia. This has nothing to do with their oil reserves, their willingness to invest in the most ridiculous things, or attempting to appease the citizens of Dearborn; this is just good business sense and a fantastic idea for the state of Michigan. Now excuse me, I have to go check my Q rating.”
King Salman could not be reached for comment, as he was busy looking for things to gold plate and encrust with diamonds.