Holidays

Holy ****, it’s 2015!!! Predictions for the New Year

Wow, look at this newfangled LED light technology! This is gonna be the BEST YEAR YET!!!

Wow, look at this newfangled LED light technology! This is gonna be the BEST YEAR YET!!!

It’s 2015…fan fucking tastic. Over the next few days, Planet Fitness will have a record breaking increase in subscriptions (with a correlating dropoff in February), diets will be made in vain, and self-improvement books will be prominently placed on coffee tables, only to end up as ashtray holders and beer coasters. Now, here are my predictions for this promising year:

-President Barack Obama will be investigated by the Senate for the eventual downfall and total collapse of the United States, despite the minor setback of presidential term limits.

-Kim Jong Un will have an obesity related heart attack and pass away, and his father Kim Jong Il will be taken out of his mausoleum to a taxidermist so that he can rule North Korea eternally. Wait…Kim Il Sung is already the eternal president...never mind, those guys are crafty, I’m sure they’ll figure out something. Imagine that: they could have a REAL puppet government, just like they accuse South Korea of having!

-Taylor Swift will unexpectedly partner up with Spotify, thus continuing her unparalleled dominance in popular music and ascension into total media domination

-Rolling Stone will write more left-leaning pseudo feminist clickbait garbage, will get exposed yet again for it

-Rick Snyder, governor of Michigan, will attempt to outsource the Michigan government to China just like he did with his former business Gateway. China will decline as they already own a considerable portion of Detroit.

-Police murders of citizens will continue unabated, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will continue to use these events for their own selfish exposure

-Rappers will continue to rap like Cam’ron, over Pharrell-inspired beats, while dressing like Macklemore and caricatures of Italian mafia figures

-Apple will come out with the Apple iWatch, thus starting yet another pointless tech trend

-Some random metal band will find a guitar downtuning SO LOW that the ground instantly caves in whenever it is played

-Democrats will continue to become Republicans in disguise, Republicans will continue to become fascist hypocrites, nothing of importance gets achieved all year in federal government.

-The War On Drugs will unsuccessfully continue, will attempt to break the cumulative $1 trillion spending point since its inception in the 1980’s.

-New hipster culinary trends will include sparkling coffee, food sourced from a personal garden inside one’s own sparsely furnished urban loft, a vegetarian McRib tofu alternative, and whatever their overlords at Whole Foods recommend.

-Some religious cult will prophesize world destruction one day in 2015, will deliver an “oops, my bad, wrong date” media statement the next day.

-I will continue to write irrelevant and pointless articles online for my sole benefit and entertainment.

Happy New Year, y’all!

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THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

In preparation for the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ, we have many long-held traditions. Whether they include putting up tacky and garish lights outside of our homes (that is, if we ever even take them down!), meandering through crowded shopping malls to buy presents for people who will end up re-gifting them, or leaving out cookies and milk for Dad to drunkenly gobble down at 2 AM Santa Claus, Christmas is one of the most celebrated holidays across the world. But I wondered: how does Jesus Christ’s father plan to spend the 2,014th anniversary of his son’s birth? It took a lot of online detective work, but I managed to track down God himself, and he was kind enough to do a short e-mail interview (no, I don’t know how a Holy Spirit was able to type on a keyboard, and as an objective journalist, no I don’t care).

First off, thank you for doing this interview! I imagine this must be a busy time of year for you.

Hey, no problem, man! I actually got all of my Christmas shopping done early, which was incredibly easy considering I only had to buy presents for myself. Since my son isn’t around anymore to celebrate his holiday, I found this SWEET thing on Amazon, which is the next best thing to having little Jesus around:

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Do you have any big plans for the upcoming holidays?

Well…other than looking down with incredible disdain upon my clueless followers who have misinterpreted the true meaning of Christmas…no, not really.

Wait: Bing Crosby is supposed to be throwing a boss Christmas party this year! Just as his voice resonates all across Earth during this time of year, it does here in Heaven, also. He sounds considerably drunker up here in Heaven, however.

If you could get across a message to the millions of people who celebrate Christmas, what would it be?

First off, Christmas isn’t about getting presents, nor is it about buying presents. It is about tithing money to the church, so that my houses of worship may hold true celebrations of Christmas. Nothing sums up the Christmas spirit such as solemnly singing hymns off key while anxiously wondering how in the hell your credit cards will get paid off after buying all those presents.

Do you have any particular gift suggestions? Frankincense and myrrh don’t count, although gold would certainly be appreciated among women, the Mafia, and Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin is the spawn of Satan, I happen to know on good authority. Besides him…well, how about the aforementioned Inflatable Jesus? We all need Jesus in our lives, even if it is filled with air and constructed of toxic Chinese vinyl.

Thank you for your time. I hope you and yours have a delightful Christmas this year!

Same to you, and never forget the reason for the season! My son, motherfuckers!

Independence day: America, hell yeah!

 

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Wow, Ann Coulter has really let herself go…

The U.S. has always been somewhat of an outlier in the global grand scheme of things. And…no, NOT America (which is two continents, not a country!!), but the United States of America. Ever since gaining independence 238 years ago, we have been the one country that unilaterally and unapologetically does things our way. But, we also have no problem using other people’s cultures and traditions, and bastardizing them to uniquely make them our own. Here are the best ways to spend July 4th:

Firing up the grill

Now, many people will be using a gas grill, for its ability to bring together our desired qualities of convenience, quickness, and flavorless bland food (seriously, just throw your food into the kitchen oven, there is no difference whatsoever). But any REAL grillmaster will be using a charcoal grill. Charcoal is an American invention, accidentally invented by Henry Ford where it was a petroleum byproduct. Ever the moneymaker, Ford marketed these charcoal briquettes as a new source of cooking fuel, which led to a new (paraphrased) saying: “You can have any color of charcoal you want, as long as it’s black”.

Fireworks

Any REAL flag wavin, pickup drivin, God fearin American loves his gunpowder. This magical powder can be used for bullets, which can be used to load our assault rifles (according to liberals, any long gun that isn’t a bolt action .22 caliber). It can also be used to set off fireworks, which is a true American tradition!

Thanks to uneven state regulations, this also involves another American tradition of going to another nearby state to buy things that are more regulated, or banned, in our home states. As a Michigan resident, I have been down to Ohio several times to buy fireworks, since the only ones they sell in Michigan are the ash pellets that are “snakes”, sparklers, and poppers. Of course, Ohio has its own set of problems, so I make sure to get out of there as soon as possible.

Never mind the fact this one originated in China. It’s OK though, they don’t mind, since they now have most of our manufacturing jobs, real estate, and national debt. But, hey, we got THINGS THAT GO BANG, so who gives a fuck?

Time off of work

We can thank unions for this one, along with many other workplace protections and benefits. But, thanks to the neo-cons and a gullible voter base, the unions are now perceived as being un-American, so maybe we shouldn’t thank them. Maybe we’ll just steal their ideas while tacitly acknowledging them. See, THAT sounds more American!

Getting wasted

This is actually a worldwide tradition on holidays, as old as time itself. But on Merica’s b-day, you BETTER get wasted. It had better be with an American beer such as Budweiser (despite Anheuser-Busch being owned by a Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate), and an American drink such as Jack Daniel’s whiskey, or Bud Light Watermelon-a-ritas. And remember: the more you drink, the better your fireworks and grill lighting skills are, so make sure to get wasted first!

Differentiating between fireworks and gunshots

Here is a classic Metro Detroit game that can be enjoyed with the whole family! Is it a strip of M-80’s, or somebody firing an AK-47? Did somebody fire off a mortar, or was it a 12-gauge shotgun? Was that a bottle rocket, or a rocket propelled grenade? These are the questions asked when you live in the hood. Just remember: with bullets, as with fireworks, anything shot in the air eventually has to land somewhere…

Getting together with family and friends

Now this is what the holidays are truly about. If you are the one who has waterfront property and a boat, you will automatically be the most popular one! Cocaine, Johnsonville bratwursts, and ridiculously sized Roman candles will also have a positive effect on your July 4th popularity, so stock up, dammit.

 

Whatever you do on this Independence Day, make sure to stay safe (which means you should probably disregard my earlier advice about getting drunk before igniting things), and have a good one!