Movies

The Screen Actors Guild threatens “surprise” for Jim Pasco

Jim Pasco, director of the Fraternal Order of Police, said today that he has a “surprise” in store for movie director Quentin Tarantino, who is under scrutiny for making anti police brutality comments. When asked to specify what surprise he had in store, he would not elaborate but said “it may or may not be (a surprise that affects him) economically”.

Not to be outdone in sheer self-involved ridiculousness, the Screen Actors Guild, representing Hollywood’s leading actors and actresses, released a statement saying that they have a surprise for Jim Pasco and the FOP.

Bill Smith, spokesman for the SAG, said:

“It is a sad day when anti police brutality comments can be extrapolated into all-around hatred of police officers. To make an analogy, this would be like if a cop stated that he hated all John Travolta movies just because he starred in Battlefield Earth! That’s just insanity! Although Wild Hogs was awful too.”

“Needless to say, we have a surprise lined up for the Fraternal Order of Police and Mr. Pasco. The surprise may or may not be a direct to video release of Keystone Kops: The New Millennium starring Corey Feldman and Larry The Cable Guy. Then again, it may or may not mean that movie stars will stop calling for the police every time we overdose, or have domestic disputes inside our soulless mansions. As soon as I figure out which of these options is more economically viable, I will let you know.”

KIM JONG UN IS PLEASED THAT “THE INTERVIEW” IS BEING BANNED FROM MOVIE THEATERS

I may be too short and too heavy to ride this thing, but I threatened the guy operating it with death if he didn't let me on! Don't worry comrades... *CREEEEAAAKKKK*

I may be too short and too heavy to ride this thing, but I threatened the guy operating it with death if he didn’t let me on! Don’t worry comrades… *CREEEEAAAKKKK*

Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic Of Korea (North Korea to us American imperialist dogs), and purveyor of the worst haircut since Tim Tebow’s rookie season in the NFL, has to be certainly pleased with himself. The movie “The Interview”, which stars Seth Rogen and James Franco, and which has a storyline that involves assassinating the chubby commie, has now been pulled from the five leading movie theater companies in the United States. This is due to hackers threatening Sony Pictures, and threatening “9/11 attacks” on any theater that decides to show it. This, of course, has never happened before. While the media hasn’t explicitly traced the hackers to North Korea, this is certainly something that they are capable of, and something that they have done before on smaller levels. The obese dictator released a statement today:

“All hail the great DPRK, all hail the great leader Kim Il Sung, the dear leader Kim Jong Il, and the supreme leader….wait, that’s me! Yes, all hail me.”

“I am extremely pleased to hear about these developments. As we all know, a movie has never been banned in the United States for reasons other than obscenity. Wait…Titicut Follies was banned in 1969, which is ironic because we watch that documentary to get new ideas on how to torture our citizens. But other than that, nope. I feel like the MPAA…no, I feel like God! Maybe because I can have anybody killed that I want with no repercussions. It’s SUCH a great feeling! Maybe I can use my God-like powers to improve the crop output next year.” *Kim Jong Un’s handlers nervously laugh*

“Now that I’ve successfully gotten The Interview banned, I shall now turn my attention to Team America: World Police. That movie has helped to ruin the reputation of my father, and I now want all DVD’s of it burned immediately. I also want Matt Stone and Trey Parker to burn at the stake, and all seasons of South Park made after the 12th season to be destroyed. Let’s face it: it’ll be no big loss, every episode made after the 12th season was seriously unfunny.”

“I also want Simon Sez to be given a retroactive Oscar (Rodman’s still my boy, muthafuckas!), and I want North Korean cinema to be more appreciated among cinephiles. Nobody makes state sanctioned romantic comedies involving agriculture and factory work like WE do, and dammit we are going to get our respect.”

UPDATE, 12/17/2014: The U.S. government has now directly implicated the DPRK in the Sony Pictures hacking, stating that they traced the hacking to them but that they may have used a third party to hack for them. I personally believe that the third parties would either be China or Russia. This story just keeps getting stranger…