Social Media

Targeted shirts on Facebook

Have you ever seen an ad for super specific shirts on Facebook, such as “People with Social Security numbers that start with 123-45 and end with -678 are badasses with hearts of gold!”?

Probably not, because I just made that up. As soon as Facebook manages to somehow harvest the data, however, I’m sure it’ll be the feelgood fashion trend of 2021!

As of right now, Facebook sells the info you readily write on your profiles and posts. But, wait: there are actual merch companies that auto-generate ads based on your info, too! You may have been curiously flattered to see one of these shirts…or laughed, because the algorithms are wonky AF sometimes.

Either way, here are some hilarious ones!

(from Reddit: r/targetedshirts)

“Daddy uses wire strippers, so Mommy doesn’t have to be a REAL stripper!”

“Not One To Mess With?” Hahahaha…wait, HE WAS BORN IN NOVEMBER? Fuck this, I’m not messing with him

This is cringe inducing on so many levels

Those font choices are murder on the eyes

Isn’t it funny how we never see white-collar jobs on these shirts? Like, “Chief Financial Officer: Because Bad-Ass Mother F*cker Isn’t An Official Job Title”

My wife is a Capricorn, and TBH it’s all true

My mom is a special ed teacher, and this is cringe AF

Honestly, this one is probably true…

Uplifting message, terrible graphic layout

“We’re in a co-dependent and toxic relationship, and all we got were these stupid T-shirts!”


How Facebook manipulated voters


Facebook co-founder, chairman, and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, standing on Red Square in Moscow, Russia.

In a contentious 2016 U.S. presidential election, social media proved to be the most important factor. How important? Brad Parscale, who was Trump’s digital director for the campaign, stated that Twitter was important, and that Facebook was “100 times more important”. Why was, and is, Facebook so important? Social media allowed (and still allows, despite the obvious conflict of interest) Donald Trump to reach out to his supporters, and they reached back in the form of millions of dollars in donations. In fact, he is still using social media to get donations for his 2020 re-election PAC fund, which is currently being used to pay the dozens of lawyers for him and his staff.

Social media, Facebook in particular, also allowed “dark ads”, which are paid advertisements tailored to specific segments of account holders. For instance, if I wanted to create a Facebook advertisement promoting myself as a political candidate, I could specify that the ad would only be shown to white males on Facebook between 21 and 45 who live in the Midwest. These “dark ads” aren’t commonly known, but many of us have seen them. Many of these ads weren’t used to promote anyone, but they were used to portray people in an extremely negative fashion, and either outright lied or exaggerated the truth. Most of them depicted Hillary Clinton as a corrupt traitor who worked with foreign powers and terrorists to undermine our democracy…which, ironically, was what Donald Trump exactly did to secure the election.


The election itself was extremely close. Hillary Clinton, despite winning the popular vote (and winning it with the second highest ever number of votes), lost to Donald Trump in electoral college points. Here in Michigan, Donald Trump only won by a little over 10,000 votes, which is an extremely small number in a presidential election.

As for Twitter, Oxford University released a study of how voters in Michigan were manipulated by “fake news” on Twitter. The researchers found out that the fake news was much more prevalent than real news, and hit its peak of manipulation one week before the election. Could this have been the difference in Michigan, where Trump only won by 10,000 votes? It certainly played an influential part.

Here is the study, in PDF format:


Now, we have learned that “Russiagate” head investigator Robert Mueller obtained a search warrant for all Facebook ads that were linked to Russia, in particular a Kremlin-linked company called the Internet Research Agency. Facebook alone has reported over 3,000 of these ads in the past 2 years, but this number is believed to be exponentially higher. This was a mutually beneficial relationship: Facebook made extra money, and political operatives in Russia were able to manipulate people on Facebook without being traced, for a fraction of the cost of traditional advertising, and they could use blatant lies that could not be easily traced to their creators.


Here is a screenshot of Facebook explaining unpublished page post advertisements, which are also known as “dark ads”.

We have already learned of the vast manipulation that Russia had undertook to undermine the 2016 election. All U.S. intelligence agencies, and intelligence agencies across the world, have said this. In fact, the only people denying any Russian manipulation are…Russia, and Donald Trump’s administration.

Of course, these intelligence agencies (in particular, “5 Eyes”, an alliance of the U.S., Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand) were already monitoring all communications that were suspected to come from Russia, long before the 2016 campaign even started. This type of social media manipulation has been going on for many years. The Cold War technically ended with the fall of the Berlin Wall, but I would argue that it never really ended. We now have a new Cold War, which is being fought with the Internet. Instead of nuclear weapons, we now have computers to fight asymmetrical warfare.

As citizens, we are only scratching the surface as to what we know about voter manipulation through social media. I would wager that within the next year, we will learn the disturbing truth: that social media and “backchannel” communications were instrumental in securing the results of the 2016 U.S. presidential election. In fact, I already believe it.

It has been rumored that Mark Zuckerberg may actually run for president in 2020. At this rate, he will be lucky not to be charged with any crimes for his complicit actions as the head of Facebook.

The worst social media manager of all time?

A few days ago, Miracle Mattress in San Antonio, Texas was just another typical mattress store. Thanks to a highly ignorant commercial making fun of the 9/11 attacks, however, they are currently the most hated mattress store in the U.S. To add to the drama, the commercial was created by, and also stars, the owner’s daughter Cherise Bonanno. How ignorant is she? Well…

-She is actually the company’s social media manager. She actually gets paid a salary for what she does on social media to represent Miracle Mattress. After creating, approving, and participating in the commercial, she posted it on the Miracle Mattress Facebook page.

-Instead of taking ownership and responsibility for her actions, or instead of simply shutting up for a day or two to let the hatred die down, she is still on Facebook responding to people. Some have alleged that she has used fake FB accounts to attempt to stick up for the company. There are many vitriolic comments directed to her, most of which refer to her as a “fat stupid bitch”, but she has responded to quite a few people with derogatory and juvenile comments as well. To be clear, most of the outrage seems genuine, and seems to be mostly from family members directly impacted by the 9/11 attacks.

She didn’t have time to delete the “Twin Tower campaign” on the company Twitter page (which makes the apology on there seem VERY disingenuous)…


But she had time to update her personal Facebook page with privacy settings and a new picture of herself…


If I were her dad (the owner of Miracle Mattress), I would seriously consider disowning her, as she has effectively put Miracle Mattress out of business. Especially in San Antonio, which has a strong military presence. There are many things people can make fun of, but 9/11 is not one of them. Unless you are Trey Parker or a Florida Wal-Mart, of course.

UPDATE, September 10th 2016: Miracle Mattress released a statement which says that they are closing “indefinitely”.

Stupid things that show up in my Facebook newsfeed, part 2


We begin with this delightful post-modernist nightmare of a tanktop.

Who is “American AF-AAF Nation”, anyway? American As Fuck – As As Fuck Nation? What the fuck, man?

Anyway, this is white trash alpha male fashion, that will accessorize nicely with all the other tryhard fashion gear in your collection. I mean, a picture of Donald Trump holding an AR (with what must be the longest noise suppressor I’ve ever seen) standing on top of a goddamn TANK, with bald eagles, explosions, and shit in the background, really is American as fuck.

I asked if they had this same design in toilet paper, but I’ve yet to receive a response.


Oh, those stupid Dads! They never do use maps, do they?

Well, that’s because most Dads have access to GPS, you retail store retards! There hasn’t been a dad who used a straight-up paper map ever since Chevy Chase was chasing Christie Brinkley around in “National Lampoon’s Family Vacation”.

In fact, I can think of only ONE reason a dad would need a map: A store map of Kohl’s, for when the wife is shopping and the husband has to figure out where the hell she is, since the store layout was apparently designed by architects who were smoking crack.


Good ol’ Hillary. Always quick to throw out a soundbite, always slow to throw out supporting links backing up her soundbites. I mean, how does one even verify this? To my knowledge, it is illegal for landlords to ask one’s sexual orientation on housing applications. Since most senior housing is federally subsidized, I’m guessing it’s SUPER illegal to do so.

Maybe Hillary tried to get a low-key condo with Huma Abedin, and she thinks they discriminated against her because they were lesbians! Gee, why would they think THAT?


The NRA is always good for social media hilarity and hypocrisy. The fact that the NRA would complain about citizens being put on government watchlists, when they have an anti-immigrant platform as subtle as the barrel on a .50 cal Desert Eagle pistol, is laughable.

“Sure, put all the Muslims on a watchlist! Yes, even the ones who are U.S. citizens. We can’t tell which one of those towelhead terrorists are gonna blow something up next!

Wait…don’t put US on a government watchlist! We are white Christian males, we are the LEAST LIKELY group of people to commit terrorist acts in the U.S.!”


Which brings us to Led Zeppelin. They are “innocent”, huh? What makes you say that? The court ruling doesn’t mean that they are innocent, it simply means that a jury ruled that a song wasn’t plagiarized. This is civil court, not a criminal proceeding, you blundering dolts.





Mark Zuckerberg has recently announced that Facebook will offer users the option to “dislike” posts on their news feed. As if Facebook isn’t nearly hateful enough already…this should be interesting. Anyway, I have some user interface suggestions of my own:

-If you comment on another person’s spelling errors, your comment must be grammatically correct as well or you will get laughed at by 100 emojis.

-If you use a hashtag, you must use it in a coherent and relevant fashion. No more stuff such as #Mondays #really #suck #and #so #do #hashtag #sentences #that #are #typed #like #this.

-A limit of 5 memes per day shall be strictly enforced. If they are religious or political memes, then there will be a 3 per day limit.

-Why the hell does the “poke” option still exist? No one used it when Facebook was in its beta stage and used by hundreds of people, and not a single person out of the billions of users nowadays uses it either. For an ultra politically correct society that wallows in victim culture, the “poke” option seems like a curiously misogynistic and obsolete throwback from the relatively enlightened 2000’s.

-If someone is lurking on your page constantly, then a pop-up will appear notifying you of the virtual stalker.

-Any profile picture that uses camera trickery such as photo filters or flattering angles that are used to make you look more attractive than you do in real life will now have a disclaimer next to it.

-Sponsored articles will have a new and improved algorithm that actually takes into consideration what the user is interested in (as opposed to, let’s say, University of Michigan Wolverine fans getting sponsored articles about Ohio State).

Do you have any other suggestions? Let me know!


Screenshot (45)

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I tend to get sponsored advertisements in my Facebook news feed that are the complete opposite of what I would be interested in. Church ads? Nope, I’m a happy agnostic. Insurance ads? Yeah, right. Stupid t-shirts that cater to the inner trailer trash in all of us? OK, I may be interested…

This shirt is the pinnacle of stupidity, though. It is brought to us by the fine people at My Gun My Right (seriously, that is the name of the Facebook page. If these assholes could literally marry their firearms in a legal ceremony, they probably would, especially since they can’t find any willing humans to cohabit with). I literally burst out laughing when I saw this on my news feed. Then, I decided to devote 5 minutes to completely debunk the “claims” on this shirt, and explain why it is so stupid.

1. “We Love Freedom”

In the past decade, our freedom has been increasingly curtailed, through expansions of the Patriot Act and other laws designed to monitor internet and cellphone usage. All this in order to stop “the terrorists”, who I’m sure are probably smart enough to use proxy internet connections and burner phones.

2. “We Drink Beer”

This is a true statement, as is also “We Take A Piss In The Morning”, and “We Prefer Not To Think For Ourselves”. But, the actual rate of beer consumption in the U.S. has dropped slightly, and we are only the 14th highest country in per-capita beer consumption. Who is #1, you ask? The Czech Republic, of course. Those damn Commies!

3. “We Eat Meat”

Approximately 5 percent of the U.S. population claims to be vegetarian. A small number to be sure, but one that has increased considerably over the past few decades.

4. “We Own Guns”

Here is one stat where we truly do shine. The U.S. does have one of the highest rates of private gun ownership. We also have the highest rate of imprisonment in the world. Cause and correlation? Nope, not at all. Keep flashing those guns, tough guys.

5. “We Speak English”

When you go to church and start blabbering in tongues, does that still count as “English”? Sure, we speak English. We also speak dozens of other languages. Way to brag about something that people learn to do at the age of one, dipshits.

6. “If You Don’t Like That Move!”

I like to move it, move it…I like to move it, move it…


Back in the glory days of MySpace (still the top social media site in history IMO), there were ways you could customize your page. One option (used mostly by women and effeminate men) was to use 1″ x 1″ tiles of quotes and sayings. Some people would have literally dozens of these on their page, which would be the reason it took one minute to load and no one else ever looked at it!

Now, MySpace is nothing but a failed Justin Timberlake investment, and Facebook is the “cool” place to hang out (at least, let’s just let Mark Zuckerberg still THINK that…). These pictures of quotes and sayings are now the #1 way to express one’s feelings on social media, and your news feed will literally be littered with this passive-aggressive drivel. Here is a breakdown of them:

1. Misspelled quotes


OK, so let’s say that the quote you post is really how you feel. Like, REALLY HOW YOU FEEL, RIGHT NOW! And WE BETTER take you seriously!

…fair enough.

But most people aren’t gonna take a misspelled quote seriously. I’m sorry, it just won’t happen. And, since that quote is an extension of your feelings, then by default we aren’t going to take your feelings seriously, either. Sorry. I would have loved you back, but your egregious spelling errors were SUCH a turnoff!

2. Love quotes


NEW RULE: (apologies to Bill Maher) We all know that when one of you women post something about love, it is directed to ONE PERSON on your friend list. Instead of posting your sappy drivel to the rest of us who are much more adjusted and secure in matters of love, post your quote TO THE PERSON WHO IT IS ABOUT!

Trust me, guys are clueless enough when it comes to love. If you’re going to be passive-aggressive about it, at least make it a little easier for him to understand!

3. Religion quotes


News flash: Not everybody on your friend list (unless you are only friends with immediate family members) is going to have the same religious beliefs as you. They might not even believe in religion at all! So then, why the hell are you posting things that could potentially make the rest of us feel awkward? This goes for the one person in every group of friends that has to post stuff about Satan, too. Anton LaVey and Aleister Crowley were both frauds, we all know it.

4. Quotes about political and social justice matters


Not everybody on your friend list thinks the evil black person in the White House is still conspiring to take away all our guns. And not everybody on your list thinks the white devil is the reason that minorities are failing to succeed. Quit posting stupid political signs, most of them make no sense and are steeped more in emotion and personal prejudice than actual facts.

5. Motivational quotes


I still believe that whoever posts these is ultimately trying to convince themselves what they are posting. No one who is actually living a busy and fulfilling life is going to post shit like this. Come on, quit making the rest of us feel bad because YOU can’t get your ass out of bed early enough! And what the hell is this “Don’t stop when you are tired, stop when you are DONE” shit? Sounds like something a Khmer Rouge prison guard or a dominatrix would have said.

6. Empowerment quotes


I don’t give a shit what a “real” woman or a “real” man would do. I am convinced, however, that real motherfuckers don’t post stupid ass shit like what you see above.

How do I know so much about this? Well, I run a blog, which is much like posting a Facebook quote, but slightly more time consuming and exactly as rewarding. HEY, LOOK AT ME, I JUST WROTE ANOTHER POINTLESS ARTICLE AND UPLOADED IT TO WORDPRESS!!!