Social Media

The worst social media manager of all time?

A few days ago, Miracle Mattress in San Antonio, Texas was just another typical mattress store. Thanks to a highly ignorant commercial making fun of the 9/11 attacks, however, they are currently the most hated mattress store in the U.S. To add to the drama, the commercial was created by, and also stars, the owner’s daughter Cherise Bonanno. How ignorant is she? Well…

-She is actually the company’s social media manager. She actually gets paid a salary for what she does on social media to represent Miracle Mattress. After creating, approving, and participating in the commercial, she posted it on the Miracle Mattress Facebook page.

-Instead of taking ownership and responsibility for her actions, or instead of simply shutting up for a day or two to let the hatred die down, she is still on Facebook responding to people. Some have alleged that she has used fake FB accounts to attempt to stick up for the company. There are many vitriolic comments directed to her, most of which refer to her as a “fat stupid bitch”, but she has responded to quite a few people with derogatory and juvenile comments as well. To be clear, most of the outrage seems genuine, and seems to be mostly from family members directly impacted by the 9/11 attacks.

She didn’t have time to delete the “Twin Tower campaign” on the company Twitter page (which makes the apology on there seem VERY disingenuous)…

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But she had time to update her personal Facebook page with privacy settings and a new picture of herself…

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If I were her dad (the owner of Miracle Mattress), I would seriously consider disowning her, as she has effectively put Miracle Mattress out of business. Especially in San Antonio, which has a strong military presence. There are many things people can make fun of, but 9/11 is not one of them. Unless you are Trey Parker or a Florida Wal-Mart, of course.

UPDATE, September 10th 2016: Miracle Mattress released a statement which says that they are closing “indefinitely”.

Stupid things that show up in my Facebook newsfeed, part 2

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We begin with this delightful post-modernist nightmare of a tanktop.

Who is “American AF-AAF Nation”, anyway? American As Fuck – As As Fuck Nation? What the fuck, man?

Anyway, this is white trash alpha male fashion, that will accessorize nicely with all the other tryhard fashion gear in your collection. I mean, a picture of Donald Trump holding an AR (with what must be the longest noise suppressor I’ve ever seen) standing on top of a goddamn TANK, with bald eagles, explosions, and shit in the background, really is American as fuck.

I asked if they had this same design in toilet paper, but I’ve yet to receive a response.

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Oh, those stupid Dads! They never do use maps, do they?

Well, that’s because most Dads have access to GPS, you retail store retards! There hasn’t been a dad who used a straight-up paper map ever since Chevy Chase was chasing Christie Brinkley around in “National Lampoon’s Family Vacation”.

In fact, I can think of only ONE reason a dad would need a map: A store map of Kohl’s, for when the wife is shopping and the husband has to figure out where the hell she is, since the store layout was apparently designed by architects who were smoking crack.

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Good ol’ Hillary. Always quick to throw out a soundbite, always slow to throw out supporting links backing up her soundbites. I mean, how does one even verify this? To my knowledge, it is illegal for landlords to ask one’s sexual orientation on housing applications. Since most senior housing is federally subsidized, I’m guessing it’s SUPER illegal to do so.

Maybe Hillary tried to get a low-key condo with Huma Abedin, and she thinks they discriminated against her because they were lesbians! Gee, why would they think THAT?

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The NRA is always good for social media hilarity and hypocrisy. The fact that the NRA would complain about citizens being put on government watchlists, when they have an anti-immigrant platform as subtle as the barrel on a .50 cal Desert Eagle pistol, is laughable.

“Sure, put all the Muslims on a watchlist! Yes, even the ones who are U.S. citizens. We can’t tell which one of those towelhead terrorists are gonna blow something up next!

Wait…don’t put US on a government watchlist! We are white Christian males, we are the LEAST LIKELY group of people to commit terrorist acts in the U.S.!”

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Which brings us to Led Zeppelin. They are “innocent”, huh? What makes you say that? The court ruling doesn’t mean that they are innocent, it simply means that a jury ruled that a song wasn’t plagiarized. This is civil court, not a criminal proceeding, you blundering dolts.

 

 

 

FACEBOOK TO OFFER “DISLIKE” BUTTON

Mark Zuckerberg has recently announced that Facebook will offer users the option to “dislike” posts on their news feed. As if Facebook isn’t nearly hateful enough already…this should be interesting. Anyway, I have some user interface suggestions of my own:

-If you comment on another person’s spelling errors, your comment must be grammatically correct as well or you will get laughed at by 100 emojis.

-If you use a hashtag, you must use it in a coherent and relevant fashion. No more stuff such as #Mondays #really #suck #and #so #do #hashtag #sentences #that #are #typed #like #this.

-A limit of 5 memes per day shall be strictly enforced. If they are religious or political memes, then there will be a 3 per day limit.

-Why the hell does the “poke” option still exist? No one used it when Facebook was in its beta stage and used by hundreds of people, and not a single person out of the billions of users nowadays uses it either. For an ultra politically correct society that wallows in victim culture, the “poke” option seems like a curiously misogynistic and obsolete throwback from the relatively enlightened 2000’s.

-If someone is lurking on your page constantly, then a pop-up will appear notifying you of the virtual stalker.

-Any profile picture that uses camera trickery such as photo filters or flattering angles that are used to make you look more attractive than you do in real life will now have a disclaimer next to it.

-Sponsored articles will have a new and improved algorithm that actually takes into consideration what the user is interested in (as opposed to, let’s say, University of Michigan Wolverine fans getting sponsored articles about Ohio State).

Do you have any other suggestions? Let me know!

STUPID THINGS THAT SHOW UP IN MY FACEBOOK NEWSFEED

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I don’t know about the rest of you, but I tend to get sponsored advertisements in my Facebook news feed that are the complete opposite of what I would be interested in. Church ads? Nope, I’m a happy agnostic. Insurance ads? Yeah, right. Stupid t-shirts that cater to the inner trailer trash in all of us? OK, I may be interested…

This shirt is the pinnacle of stupidity, though. It is brought to us by the fine people at My Gun My Right (seriously, that is the name of the Facebook page. If these assholes could literally marry their firearms in a legal ceremony, they probably would, especially since they can’t find any willing humans to cohabit with). I literally burst out laughing when I saw this on my news feed. Then, I decided to devote 5 minutes to completely debunk the “claims” on this shirt, and explain why it is so stupid.

1. “We Love Freedom”

In the past decade, our freedom has been increasingly curtailed, through expansions of the Patriot Act and other laws designed to monitor internet and cellphone usage. All this in order to stop “the terrorists”, who I’m sure are probably smart enough to use proxy internet connections and burner phones.

2. “We Drink Beer”

This is a true statement, as is also “We Take A Piss In The Morning”, and “We Prefer Not To Think For Ourselves”. But, the actual rate of beer consumption in the U.S. has dropped slightly, and we are only the 14th highest country in per-capita beer consumption. Who is #1, you ask? The Czech Republic, of course. Those damn Commies!

3. “We Eat Meat”

Approximately 5 percent of the U.S. population claims to be vegetarian. A small number to be sure, but one that has increased considerably over the past few decades.

4. “We Own Guns”

Here is one stat where we truly do shine. The U.S. does have one of the highest rates of private gun ownership. We also have the highest rate of imprisonment in the world. Cause and correlation? Nope, not at all. Keep flashing those guns, tough guys.

5. “We Speak English”

When you go to church and start blabbering in tongues, does that still count as “English”? Sure, we speak English. We also speak dozens of other languages. Way to brag about something that people learn to do at the age of one, dipshits.

6. “If You Don’t Like That Move!”

I like to move it, move it…I like to move it, move it…

FACEBOOK QUOTE PICTURES: YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG

Back in the glory days of MySpace (still the top social media site in history IMO), there were ways you could customize your page. One option (used mostly by women and effeminate men) was to use 1″ x 1″ tiles of quotes and sayings. Some people would have literally dozens of these on their page, which would be the reason it took one minute to load and no one else ever looked at it!

Now, MySpace is nothing but a failed Justin Timberlake investment, and Facebook is the “cool” place to hang out (at least, let’s just let Mark Zuckerberg still THINK that…). These pictures of quotes and sayings are now the #1 way to express one’s feelings on social media, and your news feed will literally be littered with this passive-aggressive drivel. Here is a breakdown of them:

1. Misspelled quotes

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OK, so let’s say that the quote you post is really how you feel. Like, REALLY HOW YOU FEEL, RIGHT NOW! And WE BETTER take you seriously!

…fair enough.

But most people aren’t gonna take a misspelled quote seriously. I’m sorry, it just won’t happen. And, since that quote is an extension of your feelings, then by default we aren’t going to take your feelings seriously, either. Sorry. I would have loved you back, but your egregious spelling errors were SUCH a turnoff!

2. Love quotes

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NEW RULE: (apologies to Bill Maher) We all know that when one of you women post something about love, it is directed to ONE PERSON on your friend list. Instead of posting your sappy drivel to the rest of us who are much more adjusted and secure in matters of love, post your quote TO THE PERSON WHO IT IS ABOUT!

Trust me, guys are clueless enough when it comes to love. If you’re going to be passive-aggressive about it, at least make it a little easier for him to understand!

3. Religion quotes

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News flash: Not everybody on your friend list (unless you are only friends with immediate family members) is going to have the same religious beliefs as you. They might not even believe in religion at all! So then, why the hell are you posting things that could potentially make the rest of us feel awkward? This goes for the one person in every group of friends that has to post stuff about Satan, too. Anton LaVey and Aleister Crowley were both frauds, we all know it.

4. Quotes about political and social justice matters

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Not everybody on your friend list thinks the evil black person in the White House is still conspiring to take away all our guns. And not everybody on your list thinks the white devil is the reason that minorities are failing to succeed. Quit posting stupid political signs, most of them make no sense and are steeped more in emotion and personal prejudice than actual facts.

5. Motivational quotes

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I still believe that whoever posts these is ultimately trying to convince themselves what they are posting. No one who is actually living a busy and fulfilling life is going to post shit like this. Come on, quit making the rest of us feel bad because YOU can’t get your ass out of bed early enough! And what the hell is this “Don’t stop when you are tired, stop when you are DONE” shit? Sounds like something a Khmer Rouge prison guard or a dominatrix would have said.

6. Empowerment quotes

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I don’t give a shit what a “real” woman or a “real” man would do. I am convinced, however, that real motherfuckers don’t post stupid ass shit like what you see above.

How do I know so much about this? Well, I run a blog, which is much like posting a Facebook quote, but slightly more time consuming and exactly as rewarding. HEY, LOOK AT ME, I JUST WROTE ANOTHER POINTLESS ARTICLE AND UPLOADED IT TO WORDPRESS!!!

Enjoy!