Christmas

Exclusive interview: God comments on the Starbucks red cup controversy

Starbucks red cup

Well, here we go again. Despite the fact that it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet, we have people complaining about Christ being taken out of Christmas. This time, the controversy is over the fact that Starbucks’ new holiday cup is a minimalist red, and doesn’t feature the words “Merry Christmas”, or feature the Starbucks logo being crucified on a pair of coffee stirrers.

Since I have interviewed God a couple of times already for this website, I figured I would reach out to him again to get his viewpoint on this whole thing. He was gracious enough to reply, and here is the transcript of our interview:

Good morning God, and thank you for agreeing to be interviewed again.

No problem, I’ve just been busy putting up Christmas decorations here in heaven. It’s an endless job, you can only imagine the square footage of this place. Seriously, you can only imagine.

I imagine. Anyway, as you are aware, Starbucks just came out with a red coffee cup for the holidays. Are you also angry about it?

Hey, I couldn’t care less. It’s a coffee cup for Christ…I mean, my sake. The same people who complain about this are probably the same people who are too cheap to tip the baristas when getting their lattes.

Should we be celebrating Christmas in all aspects of our fast food culinary experiences? I mean, we could have pictures of a manger on our Taco Bell Crunchwrap wrappers, or we could have Christmas ornaments in every McDonalds Happy Meal.

No, we shouldn’t. The fact that we are even having this conversation is a shameful indictment on how politically correct our society has gotten. No matter what we do, someone somewhere gets offended.

Here’s a good story: Once upon a time, there was a large group of people who got offended over any secular references in their society, and the people in charge systematically banned and outlawed anything that didn’t refer to their religion. Guess who that group of people was? That’s right: the Taliban! I’d like to think the American people have more common sense than those idiots, but then again I’d like a lot of things that I probably won’t get.

Fair enough. Do you even like Starbucks coffee? I always pictured you as a peppermint mocha kind of deity.

No way, it’s either a double shot espresso or GTFO.

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THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

In preparation for the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ, we have many long-held traditions. Whether they include putting up tacky and garish lights outside of our homes (that is, if we ever even take them down!), meandering through crowded shopping malls to buy presents for people who will end up re-gifting them, or leaving out cookies and milk forĀ Dad to drunkenly gobble down at 2 AM Santa Claus, Christmas is one of the most celebrated holidays across the world. But I wondered: how does Jesus Christ’s father plan to spend the 2,014th anniversary of his son’s birth? It took a lot of online detective work, but I managed to track down God himself, and he was kind enough to do a short e-mail interview (no, I don’t know how a Holy Spirit was able to type on a keyboard, and as an objective journalist, no I don’t care).

First off, thank you for doing this interview! I imagine this must be a busy time of year for you.

Hey, no problem, man! I actually got all of my Christmas shopping done early, which was incredibly easy considering I only had to buy presents for myself. Since my son isn’t around anymore to celebrate his holiday, I found this SWEET thing on Amazon, which is the next best thing to having little Jesus around:

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Do you have any big plans for the upcoming holidays?

Well…other than looking down with incredible disdain upon my clueless followers who have misinterpreted the true meaning of Christmas…no, not really.

Wait: Bing Crosby is supposed to be throwing a boss Christmas party this year! Just as his voice resonates all across Earth during this time of year, it does here in Heaven, also. He sounds considerably drunker up here in Heaven, however.

If you could get across a message to the millions of people who celebrate Christmas, what would it be?

First off, Christmas isn’t about getting presents, nor is it about buying presents. It is about tithing money to the church, so that my houses of worship may hold true celebrations of Christmas. Nothing sums up the Christmas spirit such as solemnly singing hymns off key while anxiously wondering how in the hell your credit cards will get paid off after buying all those presents.

Do you have any particular gift suggestions? Frankincense and myrrh don’t count, although gold would certainly be appreciated among women, the Mafia, and Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin is the spawn of Satan, I happen to know on good authority. Besides him…well, how about the aforementioned Inflatable Jesus? We all need Jesus in our lives, even if it is filled with air and constructed of toxic Chinese vinyl.

Thank you for your time. I hope you and yours have a delightful Christmas this year!

Same to you, and never forget the reason for the season! My son, motherfuckers!