God

Exclusive interview: God comments on the Starbucks red cup controversy

Starbucks red cup

Well, here we go again. Despite the fact that it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet, we have people complaining about Christ being taken out of Christmas. This time, the controversy is over the fact that Starbucks’ new holiday cup is a minimalist red, and doesn’t feature the words “Merry Christmas”, or feature the Starbucks logo being crucified on a pair of coffee stirrers.

Since I have interviewed God a couple of times already for this website, I figured I would reach out to him again to get his viewpoint on this whole thing. He was gracious enough to reply, and here is the transcript of our interview:

Good morning God, and thank you for agreeing to be interviewed again.

No problem, I’ve just been busy putting up Christmas decorations here in heaven. It’s an endless job, you can only imagine the square footage of this place. Seriously, you can only imagine.

I imagine. Anyway, as you are aware, Starbucks just came out with a red coffee cup for the holidays. Are you also angry about it?

Hey, I couldn’t care less. It’s a coffee cup for Christ…I mean, my sake. The same people who complain about this are probably the same people who are too cheap to tip the baristas when getting their lattes.

Should we be celebrating Christmas in all aspects of our fast food culinary experiences? I mean, we could have pictures of a manger on our Taco Bell Crunchwrap wrappers, or we could have Christmas ornaments in every McDonalds Happy Meal.

No, we shouldn’t. The fact that we are even having this conversation is a shameful indictment on how politically correct our society has gotten. No matter what we do, someone somewhere gets offended.

Here’s a good story: Once upon a time, there was a large group of people who got offended over any secular references in their society, and the people in charge systematically banned and outlawed anything that didn’t refer to their religion. Guess who that group of people was? That’s right: the Taliban! I’d like to think the American people have more common sense than those idiots, but then again I’d like a lot of things that I probably won’t get.

Fair enough. Do you even like Starbucks coffee? I always pictured you as a peppermint mocha kind of deity.

No way, it’s either a double shot espresso or GTFO.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: God comments on the SCOTUS gay marriage ruling

Hey, it even says it in the Bible, people. Just substitute

Hey, it even says it in the Bible, people. Just substitute “on rainbow layering picture apps” for “in the clouds”.

I may be a unknown amateur journalist, but me and God have a special relationship. Not the one where I speak in tongues while blindly giving him 10% of my paycheck, but the one where I can randomly call on him for interviews regarding current events. This week has been a historic one in the realm of U.S. Supreme Court rulings, and is also historic in the sense that the internet has been swathed in rainbows, as if the ghost of Liberace suddenly discovered HTML color coding.

We all know God is a busy entity, what with the whole omnipresence thing, but he was gracious enough to grant me a short interview regarding the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage.

Good morning, God. Thank you for granting me this interview, I imagine you are eager to set the record straight on a few things especially since so many people are speaking on your behalf.

Hey, no problem. I’ve been doing nothing for the past few hours but solemnly shaking my head at all of the people who profess to know what I believe. That, and setting up my new Keurig coffee maker. These K-cups are the greatest thing since…well, me, of course!

Agreed. Coffee is a wonderful thing, indeed. Now, what do you have to say about the Catholic Church representatives who believe that gay marriage is a threat to the institution of the church?

Well, it is a fact that the Catholic church is becoming less popular each year. In fact, the United States has had a 4 percent drop in their Catholic population since 2007. Is it because of gay marriage? Is it because of priests who have latent homosexual tendencies and have a strange fixation on altar boys? Is it because Catholic church services have all the excitement of watching paint dry on a wall? Who knows.

But wouldn’t you agree that homosexuality is an unnatural thing? Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, right?

Here’s an interesting fact: Homosexuality is not uncommon in the animal kingdom. Mammals, birds, fish, even congressman Aaron Schrock, are capable of homosexual behavior. It has been documented in scientific (ooh, I hate the S word!) studies for decades now. Even though we have hundreds of species that are capable of such behavior, we only have one species that is capable of hating homosexual behavior. Ironically enough, that species is called Homo Sapiens!

So, what is your advice to all of your followers who are offended by this SCOTUS ruling?

Hey, you gotta live and let live, man. The institution of marriage has been around way before Christianity and other organized religions. In fact, homosexual behavior has probably predated the institution of marriage itself. Don’t worry about other people’s behavior, worry about your own instead. Human beings are an amazing group of people once they get past all of the sexual insecurities and hypocrisies. As for me…”I will choose free will!” -sings in Geddy Lee falsetto

Well, thank you for the interview. Enjoy that coffee, you’re going to need it this weekend.

Anytime. I always make time for my followers, and for people with obscure blogs. Peace out.

THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

In preparation for the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ, we have many long-held traditions. Whether they include putting up tacky and garish lights outside of our homes (that is, if we ever even take them down!), meandering through crowded shopping malls to buy presents for people who will end up re-gifting them, or leaving out cookies and milk for Dad to drunkenly gobble down at 2 AM Santa Claus, Christmas is one of the most celebrated holidays across the world. But I wondered: how does Jesus Christ’s father plan to spend the 2,014th anniversary of his son’s birth? It took a lot of online detective work, but I managed to track down God himself, and he was kind enough to do a short e-mail interview (no, I don’t know how a Holy Spirit was able to type on a keyboard, and as an objective journalist, no I don’t care).

First off, thank you for doing this interview! I imagine this must be a busy time of year for you.

Hey, no problem, man! I actually got all of my Christmas shopping done early, which was incredibly easy considering I only had to buy presents for myself. Since my son isn’t around anymore to celebrate his holiday, I found this SWEET thing on Amazon, which is the next best thing to having little Jesus around:

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Do you have any big plans for the upcoming holidays?

Well…other than looking down with incredible disdain upon my clueless followers who have misinterpreted the true meaning of Christmas…no, not really.

Wait: Bing Crosby is supposed to be throwing a boss Christmas party this year! Just as his voice resonates all across Earth during this time of year, it does here in Heaven, also. He sounds considerably drunker up here in Heaven, however.

If you could get across a message to the millions of people who celebrate Christmas, what would it be?

First off, Christmas isn’t about getting presents, nor is it about buying presents. It is about tithing money to the church, so that my houses of worship may hold true celebrations of Christmas. Nothing sums up the Christmas spirit such as solemnly singing hymns off key while anxiously wondering how in the hell your credit cards will get paid off after buying all those presents.

Do you have any particular gift suggestions? Frankincense and myrrh don’t count, although gold would certainly be appreciated among women, the Mafia, and Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin is the spawn of Satan, I happen to know on good authority. Besides him…well, how about the aforementioned Inflatable Jesus? We all need Jesus in our lives, even if it is filled with air and constructed of toxic Chinese vinyl.

Thank you for your time. I hope you and yours have a delightful Christmas this year!

Same to you, and never forget the reason for the season! My son, motherfuckers!

Love for the Bible turns into libel

Jesus Christ has an ubitiquous presence on Facebook, despite having the obvious setback of being a deity with no conceivable way to use a computer (unless he is one of the lucky few that got chosen by Google to beta test Google Glass). Now, his father was a hard entity to get ahold of, but after countless e-mailing back and forth, I finally got ahold of God to shed some light on this matter.

Thank you for granting me this interview! How do you feel that your son is constantly wasting his time on Facebook? I mean, aren’t there more important things for him to be doing?

You’re welcome. I am a BUSY deity, as I’m sure you can imagine, but I have a few minutes of down time as I am waiting on my microwaveable burrito to finish cooking. Now, to answer your question: I have a major problem with it. This is not my son on Facebook, these are imposters using his name in vain. I’m pretty sure that Jesus would not post things like this:

jesus2

jesus2

I mean, COME ON! Ministry work, my angelic ass. This is nothing but a popularity contest for underpaid interns with minimal grasps of Adobe Photoshop. Although, I previously answered this question in my #1 best-selling book:

Deuteronomy 5:11
“You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.”

Wow. So, from what you’re saying, this is actually some of your followers making libelous statements. I’m shocked though, I’ve NEVER heard of ANYBODY misinterpreting the Bible. 

Oh, it happens much more frequently than you would imagine…

I was being sarcastic.

Ahh, I see. LOL!

Anyway…so what do you think of these two pictures? Do Facebook likes really have a direct correlation to one’s faith in Christianity?

jesus1

jesus2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OMG, those pictures piss me off. First off, who the hell are these self-righteous “Jesus Daily” blasphemers? I’m sure that my son would never associate with these fools. But, to answer your question: Yes. One must have a minimum of 150 Facebook friends, and a mean average of 10 likes per Facebook status, in order to be let into Heaven.

Wow, looks like I better strengthen my online presence then, huh?

(both of us end up laughing, cheesy 1970’s cartoon style)

Well, that wraps up the interview. Thank you for your time, and enjoy that burrito.

Peace out.