EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: God comments on the SCOTUS gay marriage ruling

Hey, it even says it in the Bible, people. Just substitute

Hey, it even says it in the Bible, people. Just substitute “on rainbow layering picture apps” for “in the clouds”.

I may be a unknown amateur journalist, but me and God have a special relationship. Not the one where I speak in tongues while blindly giving him 10% of my paycheck, but the one where I can randomly call on him for interviews regarding current events. This week has been a historic one in the realm of U.S. Supreme Court rulings, and is also historic in the sense that the internet has been swathed in rainbows, as if the ghost of Liberace suddenly discovered HTML color coding.

We all know God is a busy entity, what with the whole omnipresence thing, but he was gracious enough to grant me a short interview regarding the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage.

Good morning, God. Thank you for granting me this interview, I imagine you are eager to set the record straight on a few things especially since so many people are speaking on your behalf.

Hey, no problem. I’ve been doing nothing for the past few hours but solemnly shaking my head at all of the people who profess to know what I believe. That, and setting up my new Keurig coffee maker. These K-cups are the greatest thing since…well, me, of course!

Agreed. Coffee is a wonderful thing, indeed. Now, what do you have to say about the Catholic Church representatives who believe that gay marriage is a threat to the institution of the church?

Well, it is a fact that the Catholic church is becoming less popular each year. In fact, the United States has had a 4 percent drop in their Catholic population since 2007. Is it because of gay marriage? Is it because of priests who have latent homosexual tendencies and have a strange fixation on altar boys? Is it because Catholic church services have all the excitement of watching paint dry on a wall? Who knows.

But wouldn’t you agree that homosexuality is an unnatural thing? Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, right?

Here’s an interesting fact: Homosexuality is not uncommon in the animal kingdom. Mammals, birds, fish, even congressman Aaron Schrock, are capable of homosexual behavior. It has been documented in scientific (ooh, I hate the S word!) studies for decades now. Even though we have hundreds of species that are capable of such behavior, we only have one species that is capable of hating homosexual behavior. Ironically enough, that species is called Homo Sapiens!

So, what is your advice to all of your followers who are offended by this SCOTUS ruling?

Hey, you gotta live and let live, man. The institution of marriage has been around way before Christianity and other organized religions. In fact, homosexual behavior has probably predated the institution of marriage itself. Don’t worry about other people’s behavior, worry about your own instead. Human beings are an amazing group of people once they get past all of the sexual insecurities and hypocrisies. As for me…”I will choose free will!” -sings in Geddy Lee falsetto

Well, thank you for the interview. Enjoy that coffee, you’re going to need it this weekend.

Anytime. I always make time for my followers, and for people with obscure blogs. Peace out.